Sometimes I feel like insanity would be a welcome comfort to reality.

It had been six days. For six days they had wandered through the jungle. In the wrong direction. Away from their camp. Away from the rescue teams who were searching for them. Deeper into the remote heart of the jungle [Amazon]. The canopy of trees overhead allowed no light through. They only knew night came when the rains did. They were left soaked to the bone. They did their best to huddle in a ball to stay warm until it passed, but every time, they were left soaked to the bone. Shivering. Unable to speak. Unable to think. Forgetting. What it was like to not be there. The rains were deafening. Each thunderous clap reduced their resolve. They were slowly losing their grip on sanity. C was slipping deeper into depression, continuously insisting on seeing the hunting knife. She needed to know it was there. To hold it. To know she still held control over her own life. Her own death. The blisters on her feet were now large, open bloody wounds. With every step she was stabbing them further open.

I shaved my head today. I needed to take control of something in my life. And really, I don't care. I don't care about how young I still am. How pretty I am. About how I can still find someone great. "It's not too late". It is too late. I've been married. I don't want to do it again. I'm not done grieving. I'm sick of everyone. Sick of them telling me it's time. Time to heal. Time to move on. I get to decide that. I can just imagine it. "Your hair! Your beautiful hair!! Why? What will you do now?" They will see. See that I don't care. Maybe then they'll leave me alone. Let me be. Forget about me. I'll become that girl that they knew. Who once had so much. "And look at her now", they'll say. They'll put the memory of me in that shadowed corner of their mind. The one growing cobwebs with creaking doors due to disuse. The one they only go to when they need to feel. Feel that the world is tragic. And they should be grateful that they are so blessed in this place full of heartache. That's what I will become to them. That's what he's already become to them. Not to me. Never to me. He is still alive. And I will not let him die. Never.